Where I am now... What the next two moths look like...

   I'm scared... truthfully that is were I am right now... scared and disappointed what I am going through isn't easy to explain to others....Disappointed some people really don't stop to think before they say or do things as this isn't something light.... I'm scared because this will be surgery 13/14 for me... I'm a nurse... and am well aware with every surgery and intubation your risks increase... I'm a nurse.. I probably have MRSA or VRE and could very well get a super infection.... something could go wrong and I chose to do this... something could go really wrong... I am having my breasts cut off.... They are going to try and save my nipple... but my breasts will be cut down the center and under the skin fold... I will be left with one of thee worst looking incisions post op... I know because I see them regularly.... and the shock on every patients face is the same...utter horror... as it isn't something you can prepare anyone for.... I will have my and my families entire summer revolving around having my spacers inflated.... I will have a needle and saline injected into the spacers to stretch my skin... every week... I will spend my summer with no breasts.... which means no swim suites, no bra's that are not compression bra's. No cute shirts... no summer tank tops and a lot of insecurity... I'm angry with myself that these are even thoughts...... when some people who are dying of cancer would give anything to have these things as their only concerns..... I'm nervous that I will be out of lifting anything for 6 weeks and I have children and students counting on me..... I'm stressed that there is always the possibility of complications and I do not have time for complications... no one does... I'm also embarrassed .....  embarrassed because people are feeling sorry for me and that is not what I am looking for or wanting... I am soo blessed to not have cancer, to be able to be in control and change my story... the rest of what I am going though is trivial to all of those actually fighting this horrible disease... back to scared that March is 2 months away....and that although I've been though a lot and am sure I've got this too... what happens if I'm not.....
Thank the heaven's above for my finish blood though and the gift of sisu as I know I wasn't born to not be ok... this too will pass.... and as always I and my amazing support system will be here to ensure I do...
   As we look forward into 2015 I know this year will have its challenges but in the end it will be so very worth it. With each challenge this year will bring soo much goodness, great things are going to happen! I can feel it! So January and February will be focused on my little family... no wasted energy on anyone or anything that doesn't reciprocate...