How I got here... Planning for my Bilatteral Masectomy...

My Mom and I on her last trip home which was our goal given her diagnosis of stage four Lung Cancer with mets. Less 6 weeks after this photo was taken  I kissed her on her forehead. Said my last goodbye as she took her last breath and slipped into everlasting peace.

 

 

 



   The short of the story is bad genes... Resulting in being prophylactic and choosing to take control. Emotionally how I got here and what got me to today... Was much more and way before Mrs. Angelina Jolie decided she was going in for hers...
     I've known for a very long time that cancer ran in my family... My Mum lost her mother when she was around 18. She was only 47, was not the first nor last in her family.... My great grandmother along with grandfather also died as a result of cancer... My grandmother had Breast Cancer.. and the others ranged from prostate, lung, brain, ovarian to metastases of all kinds.... It was also a conversation that was not avoided in our house... My mom was very upfront and almost morbid with the fact she was sure she wouldn't live a long life... So when she was diagnosed, of course was still a shock but not a surprise and as she called to tell me that she needed to see me.... I finished her sentence before she could even attempt to get it out..."You have cancer".
   It was almost 6 months to the day, from diagnosis to her death and it was at her very last appointment that set everything in motion to here.....
     I for as long as I live will never forget her last appointment. It was Monday August 27th... The drive up or anything in between including sitting parked in my jeep in the corner of a north east Safeway parking lot as I cried uncontrollably was normal.... The drive up was different then all the rest... My mom had just returned from Europe and was confident the CT scan results would show that the radiation had shrunk the tumor in her lungs and they would be offering her the option of chemo.... Which she had full plans to refuse as we had talked a lot about quality over quantity... I on the other hand was certain that the tumor had grown and this would be our last appt. to the oncologist... So led the conversation no child wants to have with their parent... where do you want to be buried.... how do you want your funeral and what are you final wishes.... None of which my mother wanted to answer but knew that this could be one of the last opportunities she had to share her wishes and that I needed to know... It was apparent because as she dozed in and out of being present and awake while I drove down the Deerfoot.... She began to mimic feeding herself.. tried to open the door of mymoving jeep... was grasping into the air at nothing.... Tell tall signs that the cancer had more then likely spread to her brain....
   As we walked into the sterile office, took our beeper ( yes they give you a beeper to tell you when the doctor is ready to see you) we sat in silence... The buzzer vibrated and we were escorted once again down the long hall into the doctors office.. This time was different though.... everyone seemed so much kinder, softer... we sat in the room. I turned off my moms portable Oxygen tank and hooked her up to the wall oxygen. Sat down and the Doctor walked in with his resident.. What happened next I am still not fully able to process.. The oncologist was crying... tears streaming down his face as he looked at my mom and told her he was sooo sorry.. the tumor had grown and there was nothing he could do for her..... As I looked around the room, I instantly felt like I was robbed of my ability to show any emotion as everyone was crying..... and someone had to be strong.... I swallowed the biggest lump I have ever swallowed and grabbed my moms had. The next few minutes were filled with watching my Mom beg for chemo, more radiation, time... something... That is when the Doctor was very point blank and told her that her days were numbered and that she needed to get her affairs in order. He then quickly spun around grabbed my hands and said. " you must promise me Ashley you will watch yourself... your mom has been diagnoised with lung cancer as her primary cancer but we don't know that for sure..... Please get screened, do what ever it is you can to ensure you do not get cancer. You family tree is very concerning and you should be able to live past the age of 45." He dropped my hands, wiped his tears and left.. I was stunned and in a state of shock with everything that had just occurred.... I picked up my Mom, hooked what was now a helpless woman back up to her oxygen tank and assisted her to walk out of the clinic. As we reached the long hallway I watched the once strong, assertive woman collapse to her knees and beg for her mother.. It was by far the most heart wrenching moment of the entire 6 months.... I picked her up and assisted her into my Jeep, shut the door and got in beside her.. I told her I loved her and that I was so sorry but as awful as the news was we still had today... I honestly had no idea what else to say... I then drove my mom to her friends house in Calgary and told her I would be back in ten minutes but needed to go and do something first...
       That thing I had to do was to find an empty parking lot. Park in the very back and cry... Cry where no one would see me and I where I didn't feel like I had to be strong for anyone....  That was the turning point... The point where I promised myself my ending would be different.... That I would be sure that I worked with my doctors to at the very least ensure early detection...
   After I was finished crying, had put my makeup back on. I collected my mom, and took her home. On the 29th I took her into the hospital for pain management and said my last good bye on the 4th of September.
    That November I made the first doctors appointment to discuss how it was I ensured I didn't get cancer.... or at the very least caught it early.. I was 22, married for one year and no children. We discussed genetic testing, pre screening and what my mothers oncologist had said.... I was put in touch with a genetic team, a breast health surgeon and pre screening information.. The geneticists were great and accessed all my families files which were located in Scotland. The Breast health Doctor also discussed all of my options and we came up with a plan... We talked about if I planned to have children.. if I planned to breast feed... all the things I had done and could do to reduce my risks... The plan was to wait until I was 25 and then start yearly CT scans, and at 30 to come back and discuss the very real possibility of a bilateral mastectomy due to what was my perceived greatest risk....
   I had a plan and was content with it... and I did... I had my babies, I breast fed and tried to reduce all of my risk factors... and then I found a lump...
    Panic and over reacting  due to what I know not to do as a nurse... I googled "lump".... and was certain I must have cancer... I made a doctors appt. and the morning of the appt. the lump was gone... a month later.. another lump appeared and an appt. was made with the breast health doctor and surgeon.. An MRI was booked, noted changes that were not cancer were found. More options discussed and an appt. with a plastic surgeon was book. Which then lead to a surgery date and to today... waiting on March...
















 

 

My reality~ My Story ~ My daughter

  
        

Some of you know me casually and some know me well... Some of you only know what they see and assume via social media or a from a casual meeting.... It's funny what it is we assume and how we perceive each other from afar... How it is we perceive ones life.... How things really are, behind close doors.... When really, no one knows the battles that are fought while the cellphone cameras are off. Where the steam of the shower wont show the tears that stain your face or what ones reality truly is, once the lights go off..  My reality in which I post via Social Media, like many of you is only a glance into my life and the on goings of every day.. The good things, the things that make me smile in the middle of the night when the house is still... Things that give my heart and soul a sense of calm... Under all of that though, as with everyone there is sooo much more going on and after over 20 attempted blog posts, deletes and second guessing I'm laying it all out....
             This is my story, what has been going on in my families life, my life for the last year and what is about to consume the next coming year of our lives.. ... This Blog post and all those that come after this are dedicated to my daughter. As she is the soul reason for the rawness and honesty I hope to give. My hope is to one day give her insight into my thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, and reasons  behind each and every very calculated decision... Including posting.. I want to make it clear that this isn't for sympathy, insight or opinions... This is a place where I find solitude to write my thoughts, share what I am going through..and leave it here for Brett to read when she's older and all of this is a distant memory.. I am still very much in a place that is able to discuss what is happening and a place where I can't....This Bolg is a place where I can share what's going on without having to pick up the phone and have the same conversation with everyone. When I'd really rather be playing with my kids...  This is a place where I can share my journey with my daughter who is two and will not understand anything but I am her mom right now and that I love her.....
                  Those who know me know I have had a few hiccups along the way, they know each fork in the road I've come to... But truth be told I wouldn't change any of it.... I am the person I am today because of each hiccup, lesson and defeat and in the last 29 years ( next week) I've learned soo much ... From leaving a home of physical and emotional abuse at the age of 15... To graduating high school with scholarships... Followed by a car accident that left me stripped of my dreams, and in a wheel chair for almost two years (due to someone else's error in judgment).. To reapplying and graduating from something I was told I would never being able to do... To now teaching on the very campus where it all started..... all the while burying my mother, planning a funeral and signing up for so much more then I bargained for .....to now .... Facing a Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy come March... All of which are just hiccups/chapters and tidbits in the story that is my very own and that I plan to be writing for a very long time.
      
                To those who are close to me this has come as no surprise as it's been something that's been a possibility since I lost my mother in 2007, and I've been very proactive with Geneticists, Doctors, Screening Clinics, Breast Health Clinics and doing everything I can to avoid getting Cancer of any kind.  The events of the last few months even though it's been a possibility,  have been fast moving and have slightly taken us all off guard... As to how I got here and all that lead up to here, I'll write about later.... This is where I am at now and the events of the past few months...
 In January I found a lump, that had presented for almost two weeks and then it went away. Another one returned, just in time to disappear right before my appt. with the Breast Health Clinic...  During my visit my physical exam was clear but I was sent for an MRI in July ( Honestly this time it was torture and the most humiliating experience I hope to never go through again.. not to mention my jeep got hit while parked in a parking lot parked that same day....) My results came back in August and I met with my Breast Health Doctor who is also my General Surgeon. It was explained that there were noted changes in my MRI ones that could mean nothing or could mean something more in the near future... We discussed my options, thoughts, best and worse case scenarios... I left the appointment relieved, scared, confused and emotionally drained. It was decided in the appointment I would meet with a Plastic Surgeon who specialized in bilateral mastectomy's to also go over what was the best path for me... Whether I should choose yearly CT's, Exams, or a bilateral mastectomy....
  
           My appointment was scheduled  for September, what I thought was only going to be a discussion that followed the script I'd seen and heard before.... I'd be provided all the information.. I'd ask all the nursing questions I had for him and then I'd go home to discuss it with Mark... It was that and a bit more... We discussed my grim family history, my MRI, my thoughts...... and then.... It was  made clear that due to the changes in my MRI both my General Surgeon and the Plastic Surgeon felt that not only was it in my best interest to have a Bilateral Mastectomy, they felt it should be scheduled for the next available date to ensure my story didn't include breast cancer.
       
         In October I received my surgery day which is slated for March 2015.....  I left the appointment in tears... Honestly questioning what it was I had just heard, scared, and in a haze as I thought I'd prepared myself .... How was I going to explain this to my husband and family in general... I was in shock... I have been soo proactive in all areas, I honestly thought I was going to go in... be given my options, look at some pictures...  He was going to tell me to take my time and discuss it with my husband... then when I was ready I could return with a decision...Instead I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me.  Mark and I had barely discussed it...I hadn't been ready to talk about any of it as that then meant it was real...  Even though I am a Nurse and nurse woman through these procedures, know the answers to all the post op questions for this procedure... how to comfort fears, what they can expect... I didn't know the first thing about having these discussions with loved ones never mind my own husband... As with anything though it was one step in front of the other and as soon as I got home Mark knew everything I wanted to say by just taking one look at me..
         
            It's been an emotional year and month... I've gone from having lumps in my breast, fearing the worst to getting the amazing news I Do Not have cancer... to news of " the changes in your breast tissue is concerning and although you do not have cancer we fear that with family history its almost inevitable.". To feeling so blessed that I am able to give my children something so many children including myself are robbed of..... a Mom without breast cancer... Back to fear of how big this surgery is... How intense the recovery can be, the risks.. all of them... As I not only know but have seen first hand when these surgeries have gone wrong.. I am 100% aware and educated what it is I am about to under go... It's a huge surgery. I still also have the irrational fear of ,  what if by March it's not prophylactic anymore?...  Which I rationally know even if that were to happen I would still be far better off then waiting for something to appear and although it may not be prophylactic it'd be pretty close... I most definitely also am not naïve to the fact that this reduces my chances of Breast Cancer but doesn't 100% eliminate it... I'm also scared that two surgeries is a lot to under go.. One for the mastectomy and the another for the reconstruction... not to mention all the appointments for spacers... Especially when I've already under gone 12 surgeries as a result of my car accident... It's going to be 12 weeks of not being able to pick up my kids.. a summer consumed by appointments....
  
       Even with all of the above.. the tears and very real feeling of being scared out of my mind. I am choosing to go through with this. I am going to give my children many more years with a mom,  my husband many more years of marriage and myself the opportunity to see and experience things my grandmother and mother never got the opportunity too.... I am going to hold my grandchildren, help my children with each phase of their lives and live until I am old and grey... I am choosing to make my life a long one and am soo blessed to not only be given the opportunity to do so because of my Doctors and Surgeons but my amazing husband Mark and support system.. This is my reality right now... in between every dinner, Martha Stewart craft, outing, school activity, hockey practice, gymnastics, nightly story time and the picture I post...
     This is what will consume my families life for the next year. This summer will be a different one as vacation days will be dictated around my surgeries and appointments... Life is going to be a lot of going with the flow and what works for us... I am learning to take my husbands advise and staring to just worry about only our schedule and where we are in this roller coaster..and although this is far from everything that I want to share with Brett it's a start... I want her to know what avenues I took, and didn't take including genetic testing... when I lost my mom... What prompted me to start my journey in ensuring my fait was not the same as those before me and why I chose to go ahead with this surgery...not to mention everything to come, in between and after...   
      I cannot thank those who have been such an amazing source of support over the last month and are always there with an ear, shoulder or glass of wine when I needed it.... Especially my amazing husband.. I will be forever grateful to each of you.
xox
                                                        
                                   

An October that will go down in history....

  This October was one for the books on so many levels... For a five year old it was huge. He came up with an idea, spent time making it, lots of planning with his dad and other people took time to share his excitement with him.
   It started sometime last year when Mark and Laken were searching YouTube for videos of Optimus Prime... They came across costumes people had made which transformed... Laken was hooked, he talked all year about what he wanted to be for Halloween. We finally told him we would talk about it after his birthday, semi hoping he'd forget.... Nope, he remembered and so I was enlisted in bringing boxes home. One of the perks at working at the hospital Laken will tell you is that we have every size of box! Once they were home the building began.....
  The best thing about the entire project was watching the two of them cutting, measuring, crafting and analyzing... One afternoon they were both in the garage spray painting and after each step was done they'd each methodically step back, place their hands on their hips and look over their work.. I had ran in the house to grab the camera and come back out to both of them standing side by side, hands on hips, grinning from ear to ear.. they had just finished the flames... and you honestly would have thought they had just spray painted an antique muscle car... the looks on their faces was priceless. .. Shortly after it was finished and Laken put it on to test it out, I posted it on Facebook and the rest is history... it's had over 8000 views, shared over 100 times and made it on Country 95.5's Radio Station and He was interviewed by my good friend Quinn from Global News and it aired on stations in Vancouver,all the way to Halifax and everywhere in between.  The greatest part is his sense of pride. That the only thing his 5 year old mind understands right now, is there are others who think his dad is as cool as he does and that he did a good job by making something with his hands.
     To put the cherry on his cake Dunlop western star here in the city also gave Laken his very own Western Star Optimus Prime toy just like the one used in the movie, and just as any good Optimus Prime would do he went and not only thanked the staff but took his costume to show them as well.
       Halloween was one also for the books in regards to weather, as it was gorgeous! I have never seen it that nice for Halloween, ever and the kids had a blast! Brett was Miss Minnie Mouse and I'm bias but she was the cutest Minnie I have ever seen! She was sooo excited that people were giving out free candy she was squealing with delight the entire time! We went to the mall for a bit and then came home to do our block.  It was an awesome way to end such a crazy month. Here are some pictures of our October and Halloween!

The making of Optimus Prime!!

Pumpkin Carving!




Kindergarten Halloween Party!



Miss Minnie Mouse~

Getting Ready to Tricker Treating!
 
Laken's Interview with Global~



Toby from Western Star Dunlop Ford

How did we get here.....

I remember almost every detail of being pregnant with both Laken and Brett and as the days get longer I find myself struggling to hang on to what sometimes feels like yesterday but also a life time ago.... I remember the doctors appt. the supper I could barley eat... the restless night and what seemed like the longest drive to the hospital we had ever made..... I remember reading all the books.... and what stood out to me the most was.. "the first five years of a child's life are thee most important...."..Haunting words... debilitating words at times... and now we're here....
               Lake turned 5 in August and as every Birthday that has passed I was in awe of how fast time has gone... This year was different though... It was more like a sense of panic. The first of many finish lines was here... and I felt completely unprepared, rushed and blind sided.... I plan everything, am never late, am always early... How is it that I am completely unprepared feel like I've about to submit thee biggest assignment of my life and am finishing it outside the professors classroom.. An assignment that I have had 5 years to prefect.... The anxiety that August brought completely took me off guard. Had I given Laken 100%, have we as parents provided him with all the necessary tools..... have we shaped him into a successful, well rounded adaptable little man.... Its a lot of pressure those silly books put on a parent... If its not bad enough we second guess, compare ourselves questions every decision we make and now here I was in tears the night before our sons fifth birthday questioning if I had succeeded or failed in "thee most important years of my child's life".......
               Its a question that still follows me and I am sure I will revisit when Brett turns Five...... The conclusion I have come to though is.. I love him... I have since the moment I found out I was pregnant.... I have given him my unconditional love.....  The best I could offer with what I had that  minute, hour or day....I know it wasn't 100% each time... I know I could have done better in many cases... but I do know that I did everything with the best of intentions and it was always smothered in love, even if it came out short tempered and loud...
          And if turning five isn't enough stress on a Mum.... add in Kindergarten... Will he make friends?, Will the teacher love him as much as I do? what type of student will he be?...... It becomes never ending.....  September has come and gone now and I am very happy to report Laken is doing Amazing. He is loving school, his teacher and is making a lot of new friends. He is coming home excited everyday to tell us everything. We've been blessed with an amazing teacher who truly loves Laken for who he is and we couldn't be luckier.
        Soo between turning Five, Kindergarten, Hockey and Swimming Laken is unbelievably busy and Loving it... Mrs. Brett is just as busy with our Day home and Gymnastics which she loves going to with Mark.  She's speaking unbelievably well. Has the sass of a sixteen year old and know exactly what she wants. She is beyond loving gymnastics and is enjoying her alone time while Laken is at school. Each day the kids are growing and Changing and we couldn't be more blessed.
        We've also taken in another Brazilian exchange student. Her name is Nathalia and she is an absolute sweetheart and an amazing addition to our family. It's been such an amazing experience for our kids to not only have her in our home but to learn about her country, food and life.
        The fall has been fast and furious but there is no place I would rather be... here are a few pictures of where we've been ...
                                                        

A Childs Summer~

 Memories of summer should contain the smells of fresh cut grass, water from a hose, the sounds of kids playing, belly laughs and being carefree~ This is what I hope to create for my children.... I grew up with a lot of uncertainty, anxiety and in and out of other peoples homes as my mom was in the hospital a lot when I was growing up... This is something I don't ever want me children to concern themselves with.... I want their childhood to be as carefree as possible but of course within reason ... which sometimes is a hard feat... to spoil but not over spoil.... How on earth do you find that balance.... They say you either do the same as you were raised or the complete opposite... and as I openly strive to do the complete opposite... and I'm sure my kids will find things I do they will never do, my hope is its only minor things and never a feeling of or attribute their childhood to such  anxiety.  ..
  Since Laken was able to enjoy sweets I've tried to at least once every few months,  plan dates for my kids.... dates with just Mommy or Daddy... Or dates where we have dessert Before Supper.... with the mindset that life is to short and sometimes you need to indulge, bend the rules, and have a little fun.. because after all lines are meant to be bent just a little.... So this is our summer so far.... which has included Dates of all kinds!

Frozen Yogurt Before Dinner

Fell asleep two second from home in mid sentence... at 11pm at night

Summer Fun in the back yard

Summer Weddings

Summer Birthdays! Jace Turns 7!

Canada Day Camping

Spray Park Fun

More Canada Day with two women who make me better and lift me up~

Canada Day with Aunty Rhea and the sweetest God Daughter

Camping on Canada Day at the pond!

waiting for the parade!

Papa's Car in an actual Car show!!

Car show!

Brett Driving Papa's Car

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eating Grandmas Fried Chicken!

 

Tattoos and Fire works

Playing at the beach

Kade Turns 5

 

 

Spray Park Picnic

 

 

Street Wheelers Cruise

 

Drag Races

More Back yard fun!