A post I've been putting off... Life is different ... one year later

  

           This is the picture that hangs on the wall in the Breast Health Clinic... In the room where I suppose some women find themselves (figuratively and literally) and others loose themselves. The picture truly says more then a thousand words and yet none, because sometimes throughout this journey there honestly, have been none...
    My reconstruction was finished in August, 2015 and it went relatively smooth.. for me anyways... still a slight second degree burn on my skin from the glue and antiseptic solution, but nothing compared to everything else I had been through the last six months. The surgery and recovery were easy..... the emotional part... not so much...
    I've written this post over a dozen times, never being able to finish it... nor post it... As I've been struggling with how to navigate my life and my new reality...
   When this all started I knew it was going to be hard, I knew it was going be painful... I knew every detail of the surgery...every cut, disection and speed bump.. I also knew the toll, the appearance of what was left took on every woman I have ever nursed.. I thought I had this... Oh was I wrong.
               I missed the tiny yet big fact that I had only prepared myself for what I knew as a nurse. Not as a woman who had to go home and adjust to this new life and perception of myself. I powered through the mastectomy, I was determined it was not going to affect my everyday life. I was fully aware of the fact, yes I would never have my breasts back, I'd never not have these scars. I also knew it would get better, but would never be the same. What I definitely never anticipated was the grief,  lack of understanding or support. Which is essentially, what has caused the emotional part of this journey to be the hardest....
       The misconception.... This surgery is the same as a boob job and no big deal.... Reality... That could not be farther from the truth. It is nothing like a breast augmentation or enhancement. Nothing from the beginning to the end, as the implant is even different. I've had a lot of surgeries and none have affected myself or family like this one has. I also have never felt more scared or alone then I did strapped to the table awaiting to go under. That hands down was the scariest moment, I have ever had in my life and I was everything but alone. I had an amazing team who were not just a skilled team, but my colleagues and friends. We all knew there was a possibility it was to late, the air in the operating room was somber and guarded even as both Surgeons said "we've got this". As Sam held my hand while I went under we were all a little misty eyed as we all knew this was big, there was no going back and I would be changed both emotionally and physically.
      The misconception.... I now have Perfect Beautiful Fake Breast- The Reality.... I had my chest cut open 3 inches on each side, every part of my breast scraped out leaving nothing but skin. To then be replaced with what can only be described as, torture devises that test every part of you as a woman, mentally and physically. Then to have the implants put in, NEVER with the idea I would have perfect breasts, but instead something to put into a T-shirt and restore the superficial appearance of looking like a woman...
   The misconception.... Having your breasts cut off isn't anything like loosing a finger/toe or limb... The Reality... The grief is every bit as real... If sitting and waiting for, four weeks to see if chemo or radiation is in your future isn't enough.. to go through every emotion of what if you do, too then move to the thought of you've been through the worst of it.. Too then have reconstruction and think literally  " life is going to go back to normal after my surgery." .... Too then have the very large reality check of..       No..        You now have two foreign objects on your chest, no feeling but a constant numb state with shooting nerve pain (that have no tissue around them to soften them- just straight up implants and skin). and that you will never have your breasts back, they're most definitely 100% gone.
         I wouldn't know but I would assume that a standard breast enhancement/augmentation is none of this as you are not loosing anything, or everything... you are gaining and enhancing.... For those of us who have had a mastectomy there is NO enhancing... but there IS gaining... for me/us its gaining life....
    The people.... This has been the biggest struggle, paired with all of the above... The stares in the change room with my children, when we get dressed to go swimming- which I do my best to brush off- but of course notice... I've had to re evaluate relationships and realize that what I perceived as a relationship that would be supportive, kind and understand was only that... My perception. I've had more than a few people step back, walk away or choose to avoid me this past year and at first I was angry...
         I have now realized, you cannot force something that isn't there and it was selfish of myself to hold someone to my perception without considering that it may not be the reality. Most of those who chose to walk away or step back did so after my reconstruction. Why? I'm not sure and it isn't worth chasing an answer in my eyes, if they do not want to have a conversation. Life is to short and I am so blessed with so many amazing people in my life who honestly, stepped up and behind me when I was truly broken, scared and needed support. The hardest part of those who chose to step away was the emotional struggle I was having with the way in which I feel about myself, my appearance and how I felt ( it to me, as silly as it is.... felt as it was a confirmation of everything negative I feeling was, correct).. It is a daily struggle, and I know it will get better and it is,  I will adjust as I have been here before...( having my face ripped off and going from no scars to scars covering every part of your body due to my accident.. Trust me I know.) It's just finding a new norm and not bursting out in tears every time I step in front of a mirror, or put a bathing suit on... I will get there again and it's been a great learning experience for how much I need to let go of the things I can not/ do not control...

     I've had a lot of pivotal moments in my life and have been through a lot but this past year I choose to view as one of the best years of my life in a lot of ways... I've learned so much about others and myself. I know what I want in and out of life! My goals and dreams are bigger and better... Life is Amazing...
   The biggest things I've learned are... You owe no explanation to anyone in regards to how you choose to survive, you truly do not. That family, making a difference and well being are my core values, but yet I choose to sacrifice my well being most, to uphold the other values and need to find a balance. I've learned my marriage can withstand anything and that I truly have found and married not only my best friend but my soul mate ( and until this year I didn't believe in a soul mates). I also learned it truly is about quality over quantity for me and that my little family is enough....

Everyday is a learning experience and I'm in a great place, I choose to look at everything in a positive light and am so very grateful for today, my journey and those I share it with.

        

My Journey ~

 

   There are moments which mark your life.

Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same

And time is divided into two parts,

Before, this and after

This…..

            There truly are no better words to describe my life this past year and then some… I am nowhere near who I was a year ago… nor is anyone in my family.. My husband and my kids have all been affected and changed as a result of these past six months… July of 2014 marks when the results came in that my MRI results had changed… that if I wanted a prophylactic mastectomy I should do it now, and by now they meant as soon as possible. So in October surgery was scheduled for March…. A lot of waiting ensued…. The surgery day came with more stress and fear then I can put into words… “what if they open me up and not only have the results changed since March but what if  I’m full of cancer.. No one in my family beats cancer.. it is a one way ticket to death…”  “what happens if I don’t make it home to my kids and what if this is more then I, my husband and family can handle..” We got through surgery , spacers… Results that my lymph nodes came back clear and they were positive they removed all and any pre-cancerous tissue. That this wasn’t all for nothing… And now to a few days away from what is hopefully my last surgery ever…..

       These last six months especially have had a lot of ups and downs… Some of which I’m still struggling with…. Most of my fears for this week are superficial but out of my control…. People through these last few months have surprised me, which I really didn’t think was possible with everything I’ve been through…. But people are truly funny… When I was in my accident I had a girl from high school sneak into intensive care just to see what I looked like…. Another who watched Mark carry me into the house, when I first got home. She slammed on her breaks, and actually parked her car in the middle of the road to come running up my steps and barge into my house just to see what my face looked like because she was told it was half ripped off… “Wow I didn’t think you’d look that bad” where her words… I hadn’t even had a chance to see what I looked like as no one in the hospital would give me a mirror…. So really you would think not much would phase me but, yet there is…  I’ve had everything from “ It must be nice to be getting fake Boobs”… ( yes, this whole experience has been an Amazing one and I would recommend.. get all your breast tissue cut out of your chest, have two hard plastic Tupperware containers slammed into your raw chest, not be able to sleep due to being uncomfortable and to deal with the pain I have, all for free fake boobs that are truly fake… will ripple and feel as fake as fake can be…yes it’s so nice. You should totally do that! Plus doctors just give mastectomies out to anyone who asks- fake Boob’s all around!) . I’ve been told I’m selfish for sharing the fact I’m going for surgery on social media and should consider those who have had loved ones who’ve had cancer…. Yes I am selfish, not because I choose to keep those who sincerely (and yes I mean sincerely because I can tell very quickly who isn’t and absolutely hate it when people only do things for face value) care, and live too far away to be here with me informed. If the fact that I am trying my hardest to save my life offends you then please let me show your ass the door… There truly have been all kinds…

     With all kinds of people, there have been those who have been pure blessing and I honestly owe everything too. Of course first and foremost is my husband whom I owe everything too and he knows that….To right after surgery I had the most amazing friends show up to offer support and cannot thank them enough.  Family truly is more than blood and I will never be able to thank them as well as my mother inlaw and sister inlaw enough for being there for me. Offering endless support and dropping everything when I’ve needed…. I had a girlfriend travel two hours just to drop off protein rich snacks and soup, stay ten minutes because she had to get back home, but had to come see me. I had the college deliver a warm meal every night for two weeks. Fruit baskets and flowers from cousins and friends. I had friends drive from all over, rearranging schedules just to let me know they were there for me. Baking and a beautiful bracelet from my mom’s group and so much support from family who so wished they could be here but we have an ocean separating us. The gratitude and appreciation I have for each of those who were there for me and my family is unmeasurable and I hope to one day be able to re pay each of them or at the very least pay it forward…

   With every situation I have encountered though, comes an understanding… Most people’s hearts are in the right place, some just don’t know how to react in situations like mine or what to say or do so as a result they choose to stay away. It doesn’t make them any less important in your life and the reason you have them apart of your life should never be to reap reward or expect something specific out of them as everyone has their own strengths and that is why they are a part of your life for each of their individual traits… It’s instilled my faith in, you should treat everyone with kindness regardless of how they’ve treated you and that this life is the only one we have…. I may have cheated breast cancer, but I went through every fear, up and down possible, the surgery and recovery…..Instead though was so lucky and trust me I know how lucky, my mother is dead… to have had good results and not need any treatment or hear the words “ You have/had cancer” Instead I heard “ the precancerous cells where present, so it’s not, IF you would have gotten cancer, it’s a matter of WHEN, and we feel we couldn’t have left it any longer and gotten the same results”….. Trust me when I tell you, those words are not the easiest to hear either and it screws with your head in ways I can’t explain….

I’m nowhere near the same person I was six months ago, and I assume after Tuesday I’ll change a little bit more.. Emotions are the only thing that we cannot fully control or predict and when your type A it’s slightly stressful. I’m anxious for this week, what will I look like… because as of right now without my pork cutlet as I call it, I look awful. What will my chest feel like, and what if the implants are different sizes just as the spacers appear? I’m stressed for the rude comments and stares, the comments that are not spoken but thought and felt in the way people act around me. So much so that I’ve been fearing I’ve made a mistake having the reconstruction and should have just remained with flaps. The biggest thing I’ve learned though through all of this is to breath, nothing is worth getting to upset over, big things have become less big. Stressors I had pre all of this are no longer stressors and nothing is more important than my amazing little family. I’ve also learned that a lot of peoples actions or lack of is a direct result of their own insecurities and fears, nothing to do with you.. and instead of anger, empathy and understanding follow..

So as I go into Tuesday I cannot thank those who will be with me and have offered their support and help endlessly. To all those who’ve offered support along the way… I truly cannot thank you enough….

My Journey over the past 6 months..

24hrs after surgery... I honestly don't know why I'm smiling.. I had just put that shirt on and my chest was on fire, I felt awful and was using the IV pole for balance.. but I'm smiling...


 Three days after being home, full day spent in emergency and this amazing lady was by my side the entire time. Never once making me feel like I inconvenienced her, which I truly fear.... creating an issue for someone as a result of myself.. this is IV antibiotic round two.. waiting to see if I stop breathing...

My veins as a result of all of the crap running through them and the inability to find a site.. I think we counted 15 attempted starts..






Flatter then my front door and struggling to stand up straight. The kids and I before Easter Service.



Brett and I working and trying to relax after an inflation appointment.


What I look like right now with spacers, which are over sized and uneven, but with my pork cutlet and liner.. we even things out so the illusion that they're not frightening is there....