One Week...

 

 

 One week tomorrow is the day in which I go in for my bilateral mastectomy. March 17th, 2015....Time has both sped up and slowed down....

The last two weeks have been full of pre op appointments, blood work.. etc... Working double shifts, dates with kids, regular life, hockey, swimming, volunteering twice a week at Laken's school, organizing.. trying to control the un controllable, moments of calm, nervousness.. defeat and uncertainty combined with.. I've got this..  

  For those who know me I'm type A in every aspect... I come by it honestly as there was never any order to my life growing up... I never knew if it would be my mom picking me up for school or someone else because my mom was in the hospital due to her depression... So I learned early to control and plan for what I could... how to always have stuff pre packed if we weren't living at home for the week... the way I could put my stuff away and organize what was mine.. How to have a plan to control plan A/B/C and D just incase someone jumped from one plan to the next...  I find as I get older and now with kids, its getting worse.. or as I like to think its getting perfected... lol
   The truth is I never ever want my children to have the sense of absolutely no control... I never want them to stress as to where I will be at night, where they will be and what is happening from one day to the next.. so of course my kids live in the extreme of everything planned, sought out well in advance and then of course planned from there... That is were most if not all my anxiety lies this week... My kids and the possibility that if something doesn't go exactly to plan they might for a second experience the anxiety and sadness that was my childhood.  My greatest fears don't lie in if I can do this... If I'll manage or how I'll manage... For I know I just will.. I always do. My fears lie in the few hours I'll be away. The fear they may have seeing me in not the greatest shape physically and depending on how I emotionally deal with everything possibly a little broken.... and I know that there are lessons in that too... I don't need to be reminded... But as a mom it is built into to us to protect our children from as much pain and heartache as possible.... I'm not going to be able to steer them clear of it all but I'd like too... We all would.... At the end of the day though... I am doing this to steer them clear of having to sit in a cold hospital room.. Trying to escape the reality that the present moments are the last that they'll spend with their mom and what it feels like to lay one last kiss as the last breath escapes my mouth... That is what my goal is in all of this... To not have my children long for me to be at all those milestone moments.... because I'll be there in full form, hugging, kissing  and telling them how proud I am of them and how much I love them. This is all and has been from the start 100% about them, and ensuring I'm here as long as possible...
     Now what if it doesn't work...... What if they open me up and my MRI results not only changed but changed for the worse since my last MRI? What if I am in the 3% where I still get Breast Cancer...What if I get cancer somewhere else? What if I was never going to get breast cancer? What if......
    What if I get hit by a bus? The what if's are valid and at the end of the day I've still reduced my risks.. If I am in the 3% and do get breast cancer because of the tiny bit of tissue left... I'll know before anyone else ever would. Due to the fact there is no breast tissue left. I will be able to detect it before it can even be staged and is smaller then a pan tip.. If they open me up and it becomes not prophylactic... I am still ahead of the game and  if I get cancer somewhere else... I made a sincere effort to prevent one type and will deal with it... The possibility that I may never get Cancer is there... but with being the only surviving female from my moms side I feel the odds are not in my favor and have full faith in my doctors their interpretations of my scans, tests and overall health...
  So here goes the next week jam packed as full as I can get it ... and trying not to let this cold get the best of me... from some rest,,, kids play dates, work, planning a 3rd birthday party, more work.. quality time with my kids, hockey, swimming and of course life and everything that comes with it... Up's, downs and all the sideways stuff.... I'm 50% Scottish and 50% Finnish but here is hoping I get some Irish love and luck next week and that is follows through as we move forward into the next stages of this journey..