I’ve never been to hell… but I might equate the last five months to it..

 

                                         

   April 16^th, Marks the first inflation… So let me walk you through it… I have an appointment scheduled within the hospital at Out Patients. I go into a small room, change into a gown and wait…. My plastic surgeon comes in, uses a small magnet to find the inflation port on my chest which is located under the skin and is small disc which is a part of the spacer. He marks the area with a sharpie, uses alcohol to sterilize the area and takes a 14g needle which is full of 50cc of Normal Saline. He puts the needle directly on the mark and inserts in into my chest. After he’s felt the bottom of the spacer with the needle he withdraws a bit and injects the saline.    

    I would equate this experience as not excruciating, but nowhere near comfortable and even though I have no feeling in my skin, my chest hurts after…For my first inflation.. I literally walked in with no chest and left with adolescence teen bobbies.. It was a very strange experience. The first three inflations, which were every week until the first week of June where 100cc in each side of my chest, with each inflation the skin stretched… not evenly and the spacers are industrial and wrinkled…the muscles stretch and rip each week as they’ve been removed from my chest wall and placed over top of my spacers to hold them up. As a result of not having any tissue to hold up my spacers and using muscle, one of my spacers slipped… so I have one breast that in approx. 2inches lower and way bigger… I look like something out of a horror film.

Now we wait for the skin and muscle memory to fade, until I can get these awful things out and have surgery to put in the implants..

Facts~

The Spacers are hard and have no feeling

Ice helps with the pain of inflation but you can’t tell when your burning your skin, do not use an ice pack but one ice cube at a time as it will melt before it burns you.

Being over inflated makes me feel semi like I am out of an adult movie

People will say and do things you can only shake your head at.

Spacers won’t be the same size.. Getting dressed is a HUGE struggle… find a breast pad that is foam, the silicone ones are meant to mold into the breast tissue… You have Tupperware containers, there is no molding into. Find a foam pad and use your arts and craft skills to custom it to match the lager side, and use a liner from a bathing suit to cover the other nipple…

No feeling and Rocks that don’t move = no issues jumping up and down and easy entry into the cold lake.

Forget golf…. ( Thank god I didn’t play pre surgery) there is no swinging going on once over inflated…these puppies really don’t move.

Moisturize moisturize moisturize!  And massage your skin and muscles, even though it may be uncomfortable it will make the next inflation bearable…

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you..~ Unknown ... Facts and where I am today

The Facts...
I had Surgery on March 17th, 2015. A bilateral Masectomy... I went through Day Surgery, had my IV started antibiotics given, got into my gown and waited. I was then taken into pre op hold, both of my surgeons came out, I was undressed, marked and we went over the procedure. I was then assured they would take good care of me, I met with the anesthetist . Was wheeled into the OR room strapped to the table and awoke in recovery. Which I have no recollection of. During the surgery my tissues were " a mess" and it took longer then they assumed it would. I went under at approx. 1345 and was wheeled into my room at approx. 1830. "a mess" translates to possibly/more then likely contained cancer cells and as a result they took lymph nodes from each side of my chest to test. With that though they are hopeful and are confident the lymph nodes will come back clear.... So was the procedure Prophylactic..... sort of, maybe,  not really... at this point we sit and wait.
All tissue was removed and Hard/Large spacers were put in place. along with two JP drains.
 I was wheeled into my room and as with every surgery I get extremely sick with anesthetic... I was also in a lot of pain.. Surgery on your chest makes even breathing hurt. I was able to keep my nipples and was able to look at my incisions right away, and as is the same as with every patient I broke... What was once a part of me was now gone and I resembled anything but a female.. During the night and into the morning while off of the oxygen my Flaps ( where I use to have breasts) turned grey and dusky which is the first indication that the graph/flap is not taking/not healing or utilizing the blood supply. I was kept in for another night and during my stay ended up with a reaction to the glue they used to close my incision. On top of reacting I also reacted to the cortisone cream used to treat the reaction which ended up in second degree burns and a lot of blisters.
A week after surgery the two drains I had were removed. two days later I ended up with a lot of fluid build up, and an infection. The worst of it though was the inability to breath. I couldn't say two words without gasping for air.. I was put on an antibiotic that I potentially could react to... as I'm allergic to a sister drug.. I ended up on IV antibiotic treatment 3 times a day for four days.
Since then things have finally started to heal and I start my first bout of inflation this week.

Pain:
If I was to do this again.... honestly I don't know that I would have the spacers put in.... just take my breasts... It feels like I have two hard pieces of plastic gammed in between my ribs.. Sneezing and coughing are enough to bring me to tears and sleep ing still not happening as the spacers move... I am a side sleeper. When I lay on my side, they move closer together which makes my sternum feel like it is cracking in two. I've had broken ribs and I would have to say that this is comparable.... I have no feeling in any of my breasts, they now feel like I have two foreign pieces that are not apart of me, sitting on my chest. My nipples are now just objects... and although they may gain some sensation back its unlikely.

Emotions:
 I'm all over the place.. Getting dressed every morning is a struggle... there is absolutely nothing there... I worry about what people think when they look at me... Scars on my face....legs and now this...  I wonder what they will think after each expansion and reconstruction... I worry about what I will look like and what they will feel like... If I will feel like I have two objects that are not apart of me forever... Will I ever feel confident again.... all of which is superficial.... but non of the less are on my mind... My thought process as to where pathology is what it will entail has my emotions all over the place... I also feel like I've cheated in a sense as I watch friends going through chemo... that I some how took the easy way out.... My family as a whole  has changed, its all been a process and even though the kids never once seen me in the hospital they're still very concerned and carful around me... Brett is extremely concerned where I am at all times and  Laken's constantly asking if I'm ok... This last week I've finally started to feel human in my own skin and not as self conscious..it is what it is and I am ready to move forward... I can't explain how amazing Mark has been, never missing a beat to tell me how much he loves me, that I'm beautiful, empathize with me and genuinely comfort me... I'm healing and most days I'm happy.... very thankful and grateful for the amount of love and support I have all around me..

Things I've learned....
     People will say and do things out of spite, even through something like this... Those who you thought would be there in some capacity... even to just say hi... sometimes aren't.. and some people cease an opportunity to kick others when down... don't focus on those people though as most of what others do is a direct reflection of themselves not you.... Along with there are far more Amazing and Wonderful people then you could have ever imagined.  Child proof medication bottles are not your friend... Sneezing and coughing feels like your being shot in the chest... Hiding JP drains is a talent.... Sleeping is in intervals no were near consistent.... Having children and a mastectomy at the same time does not allow you to follow all of the rules, all of the time... Seatbelts are also not your friend... and pre cut breast holes in tops were created by who?? Because they don't fit on the best of days, never mind when you have nothing to put in them.... Baths and Vitamin E ointment will be your best friends... Loose fitting sports bras are the way to go, with a wide soft band... as it helps the spacers stay in place and gives some relief during sleeping.. Breasts are an amazing insulator and your chest is now going to freeze... so stock up on scarfs and nice sweaters. Unless its plus 30 then you'll be ahead of the game and lacking in cleavage sweat.. Ha!

Where I am right now...
  I'm good, I feel good.... Minus the pain which is still quite intense at times. My mind is still constantly wandering to what my results will entail even though I trust my surgeons and their instincts... Getting dressed is getting easier and feeling ok in my own skin is coming back. I'm worried that will change this Thursday when they start phase one of inflating the spacers. I'm also anxious to discuss the reconstruction as there hasn't been any conversation really in that regard... It was a rush to get them off... I'm also anxious to not be in pain any more and back to my full self but know these things cannot be rushed.... Though despite knowing this..... I'm struggling to not rush myself.. My fears of  this changing my marriage have been diminished and I once again am reminded of the amazing man I married.  I still am on an up hill climb and there I 'm sure will be a few twists and turns ahead as there always is... but I'm am beyond confident I've got this.... and I've got this because of the amazing support system I have..