My Mom and I on her last trip home which was our goal given her diagnosis of stage four Lung Cancer with mets. Less 6 weeks after this photo was taken I kissed her on her forehead. Said my last goodbye as she took her last breath and slipped into everlasting peace.
The short of the story is bad genes... Resulting in being prophylactic and choosing to take control. Emotionally how I got here and what got me to today... Was much more and way before Mrs. Angelina Jolie decided she was going in for hers... I've known for a very long time that cancer ran in my family... My Mum lost her mother when she was around 18. She was only 47, was not the first nor last in her family.... My great grandmother along with grandfather also died as a result of cancer... My grandmother had Breast Cancer.. and the others ranged from prostate, lung, brain, ovarian to metastases of all kinds.... It was also a conversation that was not avoided in our house... My mom was very upfront and almost morbid with the fact she was sure she wouldn't live a long life... So when she was diagnosed, of course was still a shock but not a surprise and as she called to tell me that she needed to see me.... I finished her sentence before she could even attempt to get it out..."You have cancer".
It was almost 6 months to the day, from diagnosis to her death and it was at her very last appointment that set everything in motion to here.....
I for as long as I live will never forget her last appointment. It was Monday August 27th... The drive up or anything in between including sitting parked in my jeep in the corner of a north east Safeway parking lot as I cried uncontrollably was normal.... The drive up was different then all the rest... My mom had just returned from Europe and was confident the CT scan results would show that the radiation had shrunk the tumor in her lungs and they would be offering her the option of chemo.... Which she had full plans to refuse as we had talked a lot about quality over quantity... I on the other hand was certain that the tumor had grown and this would be our last appt. to the oncologist... So led the conversation no child wants to have with their parent... where do you want to be buried.... how do you want your funeral and what are you final wishes.... None of which my mother wanted to answer but knew that this could be one of the last opportunities she had to share her wishes and that I needed to know... It was apparent because as she dozed in and out of being present and awake while I drove down the Deerfoot.... She began to mimic feeding herself.. tried to open the door of mymoving jeep... was grasping into the air at nothing.... Tell tall signs that the cancer had more then likely spread to her brain....
As we walked into the sterile office, took our beeper ( yes they give you a beeper to tell you when the doctor is ready to see you) we sat in silence... The buzzer vibrated and we were escorted once again down the long hall into the doctors office.. This time was different though.... everyone seemed so much kinder, softer... we sat in the room. I turned off my moms portable Oxygen tank and hooked her up to the wall oxygen. Sat down and the Doctor walked in with his resident.. What happened next I am still not fully able to process.. The oncologist was crying... tears streaming down his face as he looked at my mom and told her he was sooo sorry.. the tumor had grown and there was nothing he could do for her..... As I looked around the room, I instantly felt like I was robbed of my ability to show any emotion as everyone was crying..... and someone had to be strong.... I swallowed the biggest lump I have ever swallowed and grabbed my moms had. The next few minutes were filled with watching my Mom beg for chemo, more radiation, time... something... That is when the Doctor was very point blank and told her that her days were numbered and that she needed to get her affairs in order. He then quickly spun around grabbed my hands and said. " you must promise me Ashley you will watch yourself... your mom has been diagnoised with lung cancer as her primary cancer but we don't know that for sure..... Please get screened, do what ever it is you can to ensure you do not get cancer. You family tree is very concerning and you should be able to live past the age of 45." He dropped my hands, wiped his tears and left.. I was stunned and in a state of shock with everything that had just occurred.... I picked up my Mom, hooked what was now a helpless woman back up to her oxygen tank and assisted her to walk out of the clinic. As we reached the long hallway I watched the once strong, assertive woman collapse to her knees and beg for her mother.. It was by far the most heart wrenching moment of the entire 6 months.... I picked her up and assisted her into my Jeep, shut the door and got in beside her.. I told her I loved her and that I was so sorry but as awful as the news was we still had today... I honestly had no idea what else to say... I then drove my mom to her friends house in Calgary and told her I would be back in ten minutes but needed to go and do something first...
That thing I had to do was to find an empty parking lot. Park in the very back and cry... Cry where no one would see me and I where I didn't feel like I had to be strong for anyone.... That was the turning point... The point where I promised myself my ending would be different.... That I would be sure that I worked with my doctors to at the very least ensure early detection...
After I was finished crying, had put my makeup back on. I collected my mom, and took her home. On the 29th I took her into the hospital for pain management and said my last good bye on the 4th of September.
That November I made the first doctors appointment to discuss how it was I ensured I didn't get cancer.... or at the very least caught it early.. I was 22, married for one year and no children. We discussed genetic testing, pre screening and what my mothers oncologist had said.... I was put in touch with a genetic team, a breast health surgeon and pre screening information.. The geneticists were great and accessed all my families files which were located in Scotland. The Breast health Doctor also discussed all of my options and we came up with a plan... We talked about if I planned to have children.. if I planned to breast feed... all the things I had done and could do to reduce my risks... The plan was to wait until I was 25 and then start yearly CT scans, and at 30 to come back and discuss the very real possibility of a bilateral mastectomy due to what was my perceived greatest risk....
I had a plan and was content with it... and I did... I had my babies, I breast fed and tried to reduce all of my risk factors... and then I found a lump...
Panic and over reacting due to what I know not to do as a nurse... I googled "lump".... and was certain I must have cancer... I made a doctors appt. and the morning of the appt. the lump was gone... a month later.. another lump appeared and an appt. was made with the breast health doctor and surgeon.. An MRI was booked, noted changes that were not cancer were found. More options discussed and an appt. with a plastic surgeon was book. Which then lead to a surgery date and to today... waiting on March...
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