This is my story, what has been going on in my families life, my life for the last year and what is about to consume the next coming year of our lives.. ... This Blog post and all those that come after this are dedicated to my daughter. As she is the soul reason for the rawness and honesty I hope to give. My hope is to one day give her insight into my thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, and reasons behind each and every very calculated decision... Including posting.. I want to make it clear that this isn't for sympathy, insight or opinions... This is a place where I find solitude to write my thoughts, share what I am going through..and leave it here for Brett to read when she's older and all of this is a distant memory.. I am still very much in a place that is able to discuss what is happening and a place where I can't....This Bolg is a place where I can share what's going on without having to pick up the phone and have the same conversation with everyone. When I'd really rather be playing with my kids... This is a place where I can share my journey with my daughter who is two and will not understand anything but I am her mom right now and that I love her.....
Those who know me know I have had a few hiccups along the way, they know each fork in the road I've come to... But truth be told I wouldn't change any of it.... I am the person I am today because of each hiccup, lesson and defeat and in the last 29 years ( next week) I've learned soo much ... From leaving a home of physical and emotional abuse at the age of 15... To graduating high school with scholarships... Followed by a car accident that left me stripped of my dreams, and in a wheel chair for almost two years (due to someone else's error in judgment).. To reapplying and graduating from something I was told I would never being able to do... To now teaching on the very campus where it all started..... all the while burying my mother, planning a funeral and signing up for so much more then I bargained for .....to now .... Facing a Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy come March... All of which are just hiccups/chapters and tidbits in the story that is my very own and that I plan to be writing for a very long time.
To those who are close to me this has come as no surprise as it's been something that's been a possibility since I lost my mother in 2007, and I've been very proactive with Geneticists, Doctors, Screening Clinics, Breast Health Clinics and doing everything I can to avoid getting Cancer of any kind. The events of the last few months even though it's been a possibility, have been fast moving and have slightly taken us all off guard... As to how I got here and all that lead up to here, I'll write about later.... This is where I am at now and the events of the past few months...
In January I found a lump, that had presented for almost two weeks and then it went away. Another one returned, just in time to disappear right before my appt. with the Breast Health Clinic... During my visit my physical exam was clear but I was sent for an MRI in July ( Honestly this time it was torture and the most humiliating experience I hope to never go through again.. not to mention my jeep got hit while parked in a parking lot parked that same day....) My results came back in August and I met with my Breast Health Doctor who is also my General Surgeon. It was explained that there were noted changes in my MRI ones that could mean nothing or could mean something more in the near future... We discussed my options, thoughts, best and worse case scenarios... I left the appointment relieved, scared, confused and emotionally drained. It was decided in the appointment I would meet with a Plastic Surgeon who specialized in bilateral mastectomy's to also go over what was the best path for me... Whether I should choose yearly CT's, Exams, or a bilateral mastectomy....
My appointment was scheduled for September, what I thought was only going to be a discussion that followed the script I'd seen and heard before.... I'd be provided all the information.. I'd ask all the nursing questions I had for him and then I'd go home to discuss it with Mark... It was that and a bit more... We discussed my grim family history, my MRI, my thoughts...... and then.... It was made clear that due to the changes in my MRI both my General Surgeon and the Plastic Surgeon felt that not only was it in my best interest to have a Bilateral Mastectomy, they felt it should be scheduled for the next available date to ensure my story didn't include breast cancer.
In October I received my surgery day which is slated for March 2015..... I left the appointment in tears... Honestly questioning what it was I had just heard, scared, and in a haze as I thought I'd prepared myself .... How was I going to explain this to my husband and family in general... I was in shock... I have been soo proactive in all areas, I honestly thought I was going to go in... be given my options, look at some pictures... He was going to tell me to take my time and discuss it with my husband... then when I was ready I could return with a decision...Instead I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. Mark and I had barely discussed it...I hadn't been ready to talk about any of it as that then meant it was real... Even though I am a Nurse and nurse woman through these procedures, know the answers to all the post op questions for this procedure... how to comfort fears, what they can expect... I didn't know the first thing about having these discussions with loved ones never mind my own husband... As with anything though it was one step in front of the other and as soon as I got home Mark knew everything I wanted to say by just taking one look at me..
It's been an emotional year and month... I've gone from having lumps in my breast, fearing the worst to getting the amazing news I Do Not have cancer... to news of " the changes in your breast tissue is concerning and although you do not have cancer we fear that with family history its almost inevitable.". To feeling so blessed that I am able to give my children something so many children including myself are robbed of..... a Mom without breast cancer... Back to fear of how big this surgery is... How intense the recovery can be, the risks.. all of them... As I not only know but have seen first hand when these surgeries have gone wrong.. I am 100% aware and educated what it is I am about to under go... It's a huge surgery. I still also have the irrational fear of , what if by March it's not prophylactic anymore?... Which I rationally know even if that were to happen I would still be far better off then waiting for something to appear and although it may not be prophylactic it'd be pretty close... I most definitely also am not naïve to the fact that this reduces my chances of Breast Cancer but doesn't 100% eliminate it... I'm also scared that two surgeries is a lot to under go.. One for the mastectomy and the another for the reconstruction... not to mention all the appointments for spacers... Especially when I've already under gone 12 surgeries as a result of my car accident... It's going to be 12 weeks of not being able to pick up my kids.. a summer consumed by appointments....
Even with all of the above.. the tears and very real feeling of being scared out of my mind. I am choosing to go through with this. I am going to give my children many more years with a mom, my husband many more years of marriage and myself the opportunity to see and experience things my grandmother and mother never got the opportunity too.... I am going to hold my grandchildren, help my children with each phase of their lives and live until I am old and grey... I am choosing to make my life a long one and am soo blessed to not only be given the opportunity to do so because of my Doctors and Surgeons but my amazing husband Mark and support system.. This is my reality right now... in between every dinner, Martha Stewart craft, outing, school activity, hockey practice, gymnastics, nightly story time and the picture I post...
This is what will consume my families life for the next year. This summer will be a different one as vacation days will be dictated around my surgeries and appointments... Life is going to be a lot of going with the flow and what works for us... I am learning to take my husbands advise and staring to just worry about only our schedule and where we are in this roller coaster..and although this is far from everything that I want to share with Brett it's a start... I want her to know what avenues I took, and didn't take including genetic testing... when I lost my mom... What prompted me to start my journey in ensuring my fait was not the same as those before me and why I chose to go ahead with this surgery...not to mention everything to come, in between and after...
I cannot thank those who have been such an amazing source of support over the last month and are always there with an ear, shoulder or glass of wine when I needed it.... Especially my amazing husband.. I will be forever grateful to each of you.
xox
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