Between making my childrens "childhood magical..." (sarcasm intended), work, and real life, not what is precieved...... May through October...

        In May I met with my general surgeon, it was their we discussed the lumps. He did a physical assessment which was clear but he recommended I go in for an MRI.... What I thought was going to take at least six months was booked for July.... July came and I was sick to my stomach... what if they found something? Was I going to be able to handle laying in the MRI machine for an hour? ....... I've been blessed with amazing friends and those who know just when to call, what to do and offer.. I was heading up to Calgary alone and what should have been a routine standard appointment was nothing short of awful from the beginning and put a whole knew perspective as a nurse as to what my patients go though.. My beautiful friend Lauren offered to meet me for lunch which was a great distraction to the trip and a nice way to calm my nerves.. I left Lethbridge and I was scared.... I drove through my home town where my mom is buried and all I could think was... I want my mom... I want to call her and I want her and only her to tell me "it's going to be alright"... It was a very emotional drive as I am sure it is for most who are driving the same drive into the unknown.... I made it to Calgary, was embraced by a childhood friend and sat down for lunch.... only for the bar tender to come out and tell me my parked jeep had been hit.... ( I'm a firm believer things happen for a reason... so maybe it was a needed distraction??.... No idea... ) After the exchanging of insurance from a not so nice man who was fully at fault, we finished our meal.. I was stressed about my jeep now being safe to drive, trying to comprehend how the man could miss a BIG BLACK Jeep.... and made my way to the hospital....
      After parking, I had to remove all of my makeup and jewelry.... I felt naked, scared and the most vulnerable I had in a really long time. I made my way to the reception to receive my admission papers, picked them up and the survey... only to look down to find my mothers name listed as next of kin... I swallowed and politely asked if she could update my information as it was incorrect.. The young woman yelled very loudly that no she was not changing any information and what was listed was fine. I then tried to explain that, I had to change my information as it wasn't correct to her response. "What is the big deal if we call your mother? if something happens I'm sure she'll contact who's needed."   I stood there and just starred at her.... I couldn't believe that someone would be so rude or that on today of all days I was going to have to explain my mother was dead. I took a deep breath, told her that I worked for AHS, knew it could be changed and would like the number to whichever clerk would be able to change it. Due to the fact that I was not trying to be difficult but because my mother was dead and no she could not contact those who was needed. Within minutes I had a new form.. Was directed to take a seat and wait. Sitting in a waiting room full of people with no makeup on for me was humiliating...

This is me, on the verge of tears, no makeup on and beyond scared.

 

 

  

       I was ushered into the MRI room, interviewed and had an IV started ( which I had called three times prior to ensure I wouldn't receive as I was allergic to the dye..) by a young student who had no idea what could possibly be going through ones mind who was coming for an MRI of their chest... She was rude, non compassionate and the rest of the staff seemed to follow.. to the extent as I was getting off the table after it was finished to vomit asked "so how was it? was it fun?"  Besides wanting to smack the woman I just looked at her and prayed to god that I am not that oblivious to my patients as to what else they are going through beyond their surgeries... I got dressed, poured myself into my jeep and broke... the only thing I wanted to do was find my bed, pull the covers over and sleep... But I had babies to get home to.. So as I was pulled over on the deerfoot hurling my guts out, I pulled it together.. finished my drive, hugged and kissed my babies and reiterated they were the only thing that truly matters... That even if the MRI showed something.. I was better for knowing so that we could deal with it... conquer it and move on...

    In August I had my follow up appt. where we discussed my results... they came back CLEAR!!! But... there were noted changes... so I had some decisions to make... I could have yearly MRI's ( which do not increase any risk of cancer itself), paired with routine checks and appointments... Genetic testing was wiped off the table as it was explained that even if I come back negative the testing doesn't cover all the cancer markers and there still could be risks... the other option and recommendation was a bilateral mastectomy where both breasts were removed including the nipples, spacers inserted and reconstructive surgery at a later date... This route was recommended over an "all in one approach" where implants are put in right away, because of the increased risks of the skin flaps not healing properly due to decreased circulation... It was decided at that time that I would have a consultation with a plastic surgeon and we would go from there... 

   I left the appointment an emotional mess... one relieved the MRI results did not show cancer... scared shitless that there were substantial changes that would prompt a bilateral mastectomy prior to turning 30... The biggest kicker honestly though was the simple fact they wanted to take my nipple..... Now in the whole scheme of things.. its just a nipple.. but I would be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that is vain... where I don't consider vanity slightly important... I'm a female.... a female who is already covered in scares from a awful car accident... Most will tell you and myself they don't even notice them... but I do.. they are the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see at night... they get itchy and sometimes still hurt... and there was a part of me that found solace in the fact I may be able to spare myself from another awful scar...... The one that is left from having a mastectomy with out the option of reconstructive surgery...   Now I was faced with the very real possibility that I would have breasts without a nipple... I was horrified and as I tried to explain it to Mark the only way I felt would bring it so he really understood was chocking it up it saving his penis but removing his testicles... the important part was there... and no one would know unless there were right up close and personal.... but it would remove a part of him that made him feel like a man... That for me is my nipple.... and as silly as it may sound right now.. I cried, I cried at the thought of having no nipple...

    I went in after a night shift and as I mentioned in my initial post I thought I knew exactly how the appt. was going to go... I'd ask my nursing questions.... we'd discuss my options... he'd give me his thoughts and I would go home and discuss it with Mark... Then he and I would return with what we had decided to do... Instead it was the doctor talking, telling me that it was in my best option and he felt we needed to go ahead sooner then later... I was handed a form and it wasn't until I stopped and looked at the form.... a form I have seen a million times.... did I realize I was signing my consent for surgery.... I literally had the wind knocked out of me. What I thought was a discussion was a pre operative consultation and I was being scheduled for surgery... I later received my date which will be in March...

   So now we wait... and carry on with all of our children's milestones and events just as we would if March was another month...