My Children~ Pre Surgery

 

Dear Laken and Brett

    Sometimes life throws you what I like to call "Hiccups.." now you always have a choice as to how you deal with these hiccups.... you can hold your breath... wait for them to go away... you can try and have someone help you to get them to go away... you can get soo busy doing something else you can forget you even have a hiccup and by the time you remember they are gone.. or of course you can pull out a chair stand on top of it, lift one leg and sing Mary had a little Lamb.... How ever you choose to deal with your Hiccup is your decision and yours alone.. Please don't forget that..
   I've been dealt a few Hiccups.... some being surgeries... 12 soon to be 13 to be exact... and yes this too as always, I had a choice as to how I felt the need to deal with my hiccup.... I had a conversation once... with my mom and it was the start of the end... I remember it word for word..." Hi Ashley, it's mom... when will you be in town next? I have something to tell you"..." Hi mom, I don't know when I'll be in town, just tell me now".. " no I want to tell you in person..." "Mom I know what your going to tell me, your going to tell me you have Cancer...." and just as easy as it rolled off my tongue, the silence on the phone was deafening...
 I chose to not have that be a hiccup I had to deal with now... not because of breast cancer.... I was going to do something... and that is what we've talked a lot about over the last few weeks.... I'm going for surgery to try and make sure what made Grandma Anne, Nanna Mcshannon, Great Grandma Agnes and all her siblings... sick, not make Mommy sick. We've talked about where I'll be sore, which drains I'll come home with and how I want to be with you for a very very long time....
    I know this surgery is going to change you as much as it will me.... I know that no matter how strong of a front I put up you will know your mommy is sad, hurting and maybe even scared... That is what I wish I could shelter you from.. and although I know its good for children to see that we are all human. I fear one day you will see me break and as ok as that may sound for some.... I watched my own Mother break over and over again and am permanently scared from it, I can relive each moment of fear and helplessness that I never want to bestow on my children....
    For that reason my dear Children you will not have any memory of seeing me in the hospital... hopefully it will only be one night and in the morning I will be there to shower you with kisses, a few pounds lighter, a few extra tubes and a little sore... I have every childhood memory paired with seeing my mom in the hospital with crohn's disease and or depression... and even though my reasons for being in the hospital are completely different it's a memory I don't want you to have... and I know you'll never fully understand but I ask you trust in me that I as I know deep down my mother was only trying to do the same... She was trying to do the best she could with what she knew...
     What I hope you remember from all of this... is minimal... I hope its a hiccup in your daily routine that you can barley remember and that we have jam packed so many new memories into your tiny little heads and huge hearts that its a vague after thought...
    Regardless of how these next few weeks turn out what I want most is for you, to know how much I love you, how proud of you I am and my greatest wish in Life for you is that you find Happiness.... Because you'll find out that the secret to Life isn't the years, the money, the career... its Happiness, when you have found what makes you Happy you have found success.

Love you Always and Forever and ever..
Mommy...