This is the picture that hangs on the wall in the Breast Health Clinic... In the room where I suppose some women find themselves (figuratively and literally) and others loose themselves. The picture truly says more then a thousand words and yet none, because sometimes throughout this journey there honestly, have been none...
My reconstruction was finished in August, 2015 and it went relatively smooth.. for me anyways... still a slight second degree burn on my skin from the glue and antiseptic solution, but nothing compared to everything else I had been through the last six months. The surgery and recovery were easy..... the emotional part... not so much...
I've written this post over a dozen times, never being able to finish it... nor post it... As I've been struggling with how to navigate my life and my new reality...
When this all started I knew it was going to be hard, I knew it was going be painful... I knew every detail of the surgery...every cut, disection and speed bump.. I also knew the toll, the appearance of what was left took on every woman I have ever nursed.. I thought I had this... Oh was I wrong.
I missed the tiny yet big fact that I had only prepared myself for what I knew as a nurse. Not as a woman who had to go home and adjust to this new life and perception of myself. I powered through the mastectomy, I was determined it was not going to affect my everyday life. I was fully aware of the fact, yes I would never have my breasts back, I'd never not have these scars. I also knew it would get better, but would never be the same. What I definitely never anticipated was the grief, lack of understanding or support. Which is essentially, what has caused the emotional part of this journey to be the hardest....
The misconception.... This surgery is the same as a boob job and no big deal.... Reality... That could not be farther from the truth. It is nothing like a breast augmentation or enhancement. Nothing from the beginning to the end, as the implant is even different. I've had a lot of surgeries and none have affected myself or family like this one has. I also have never felt more scared or alone then I did strapped to the table awaiting to go under. That hands down was the scariest moment, I have ever had in my life and I was everything but alone. I had an amazing team who were not just a skilled team, but my colleagues and friends. We all knew there was a possibility it was to late, the air in the operating room was somber and guarded even as both Surgeons said "we've got this". As Sam held my hand while I went under we were all a little misty eyed as we all knew this was big, there was no going back and I would be changed both emotionally and physically.
The misconception.... I now have Perfect Beautiful Fake Breast- The Reality.... I had my chest cut open 3 inches on each side, every part of my breast scraped out leaving nothing but skin. To then be replaced with what can only be described as, torture devises that test every part of you as a woman, mentally and physically. Then to have the implants put in, NEVER with the idea I would have perfect breasts, but instead something to put into a T-shirt and restore the superficial appearance of looking like a woman...
The misconception.... Having your breasts cut off isn't anything like loosing a finger/toe or limb... The Reality... The grief is every bit as real... If sitting and waiting for, four weeks to see if chemo or radiation is in your future isn't enough.. to go through every emotion of what if you do, too then move to the thought of you've been through the worst of it.. Too then have reconstruction and think literally " life is going to go back to normal after my surgery." .... Too then have the very large reality check of.. No.. You now have two foreign objects on your chest, no feeling but a constant numb state with shooting nerve pain (that have no tissue around them to soften them- just straight up implants and skin). and that you will never have your breasts back, they're most definitely 100% gone.
I wouldn't know but I would assume that a standard breast enhancement/augmentation is none of this as you are not loosing anything, or everything... you are gaining and enhancing.... For those of us who have had a mastectomy there is NO enhancing... but there IS gaining... for me/us its gaining life....
The people.... This has been the biggest struggle, paired with all of the above... The stares in the change room with my children, when we get dressed to go swimming- which I do my best to brush off- but of course notice... I've had to re evaluate relationships and realize that what I perceived as a relationship that would be supportive, kind and understand was only that... My perception. I've had more than a few people step back, walk away or choose to avoid me this past year and at first I was angry...
I have now realized, you cannot force something that isn't there and it was selfish of myself to hold someone to my perception without considering that it may not be the reality. Most of those who chose to walk away or step back did so after my reconstruction. Why? I'm not sure and it isn't worth chasing an answer in my eyes, if they do not want to have a conversation. Life is to short and I am so blessed with so many amazing people in my life who honestly, stepped up and behind me when I was truly broken, scared and needed support. The hardest part of those who chose to step away was the emotional struggle I was having with the way in which I feel about myself, my appearance and how I felt ( it to me, as silly as it is.... felt as it was a confirmation of everything negative I feeling was, correct).. It is a daily struggle, and I know it will get better and it is, I will adjust as I have been here before...( having my face ripped off and going from no scars to scars covering every part of your body due to my accident.. Trust me I know.) It's just finding a new norm and not bursting out in tears every time I step in front of a mirror, or put a bathing suit on... I will get there again and it's been a great learning experience for how much I need to let go of the things I can not/ do not control...
I've had a lot of pivotal moments in my life and have been through a lot but this past year I choose to view as one of the best years of my life in a lot of ways... I've learned so much about others and myself. I know what I want in and out of life! My goals and dreams are bigger and better... Life is Amazing...
The biggest things I've learned are... You owe no explanation to anyone in regards to how you choose to survive, you truly do not. That family, making a difference and well being are my core values, but yet I choose to sacrifice my well being most, to uphold the other values and need to find a balance. I've learned my marriage can withstand anything and that I truly have found and married not only my best friend but my soul mate ( and until this year I didn't believe in a soul mates). I also learned it truly is about quality over quantity for me and that my little family is enough....
Everyday is a learning experience and I'm in a great place, I choose to look at everything in a positive light and am so very grateful for today, my journey and those I share it with.
My reconstruction was finished in August, 2015 and it went relatively smooth.. for me anyways... still a slight second degree burn on my skin from the glue and antiseptic solution, but nothing compared to everything else I had been through the last six months. The surgery and recovery were easy..... the emotional part... not so much...
I've written this post over a dozen times, never being able to finish it... nor post it... As I've been struggling with how to navigate my life and my new reality...
When this all started I knew it was going to be hard, I knew it was going be painful... I knew every detail of the surgery...every cut, disection and speed bump.. I also knew the toll, the appearance of what was left took on every woman I have ever nursed.. I thought I had this... Oh was I wrong.
I missed the tiny yet big fact that I had only prepared myself for what I knew as a nurse. Not as a woman who had to go home and adjust to this new life and perception of myself. I powered through the mastectomy, I was determined it was not going to affect my everyday life. I was fully aware of the fact, yes I would never have my breasts back, I'd never not have these scars. I also knew it would get better, but would never be the same. What I definitely never anticipated was the grief, lack of understanding or support. Which is essentially, what has caused the emotional part of this journey to be the hardest....
The misconception.... This surgery is the same as a boob job and no big deal.... Reality... That could not be farther from the truth. It is nothing like a breast augmentation or enhancement. Nothing from the beginning to the end, as the implant is even different. I've had a lot of surgeries and none have affected myself or family like this one has. I also have never felt more scared or alone then I did strapped to the table awaiting to go under. That hands down was the scariest moment, I have ever had in my life and I was everything but alone. I had an amazing team who were not just a skilled team, but my colleagues and friends. We all knew there was a possibility it was to late, the air in the operating room was somber and guarded even as both Surgeons said "we've got this". As Sam held my hand while I went under we were all a little misty eyed as we all knew this was big, there was no going back and I would be changed both emotionally and physically.
The misconception.... I now have Perfect Beautiful Fake Breast- The Reality.... I had my chest cut open 3 inches on each side, every part of my breast scraped out leaving nothing but skin. To then be replaced with what can only be described as, torture devises that test every part of you as a woman, mentally and physically. Then to have the implants put in, NEVER with the idea I would have perfect breasts, but instead something to put into a T-shirt and restore the superficial appearance of looking like a woman...
The misconception.... Having your breasts cut off isn't anything like loosing a finger/toe or limb... The Reality... The grief is every bit as real... If sitting and waiting for, four weeks to see if chemo or radiation is in your future isn't enough.. to go through every emotion of what if you do, too then move to the thought of you've been through the worst of it.. Too then have reconstruction and think literally " life is going to go back to normal after my surgery." .... Too then have the very large reality check of.. No.. You now have two foreign objects on your chest, no feeling but a constant numb state with shooting nerve pain (that have no tissue around them to soften them- just straight up implants and skin). and that you will never have your breasts back, they're most definitely 100% gone.
I wouldn't know but I would assume that a standard breast enhancement/augmentation is none of this as you are not loosing anything, or everything... you are gaining and enhancing.... For those of us who have had a mastectomy there is NO enhancing... but there IS gaining... for me/us its gaining life....
The people.... This has been the biggest struggle, paired with all of the above... The stares in the change room with my children, when we get dressed to go swimming- which I do my best to brush off- but of course notice... I've had to re evaluate relationships and realize that what I perceived as a relationship that would be supportive, kind and understand was only that... My perception. I've had more than a few people step back, walk away or choose to avoid me this past year and at first I was angry...
I have now realized, you cannot force something that isn't there and it was selfish of myself to hold someone to my perception without considering that it may not be the reality. Most of those who chose to walk away or step back did so after my reconstruction. Why? I'm not sure and it isn't worth chasing an answer in my eyes, if they do not want to have a conversation. Life is to short and I am so blessed with so many amazing people in my life who honestly, stepped up and behind me when I was truly broken, scared and needed support. The hardest part of those who chose to step away was the emotional struggle I was having with the way in which I feel about myself, my appearance and how I felt ( it to me, as silly as it is.... felt as it was a confirmation of everything negative I feeling was, correct).. It is a daily struggle, and I know it will get better and it is, I will adjust as I have been here before...( having my face ripped off and going from no scars to scars covering every part of your body due to my accident.. Trust me I know.) It's just finding a new norm and not bursting out in tears every time I step in front of a mirror, or put a bathing suit on... I will get there again and it's been a great learning experience for how much I need to let go of the things I can not/ do not control...
I've had a lot of pivotal moments in my life and have been through a lot but this past year I choose to view as one of the best years of my life in a lot of ways... I've learned so much about others and myself. I know what I want in and out of life! My goals and dreams are bigger and better... Life is Amazing...
The biggest things I've learned are... You owe no explanation to anyone in regards to how you choose to survive, you truly do not. That family, making a difference and well being are my core values, but yet I choose to sacrifice my well being most, to uphold the other values and need to find a balance. I've learned my marriage can withstand anything and that I truly have found and married not only my best friend but my soul mate ( and until this year I didn't believe in a soul mates). I also learned it truly is about quality over quantity for me and that my little family is enough....
Everyday is a learning experience and I'm in a great place, I choose to look at everything in a positive light and am so very grateful for today, my journey and those I share it with.
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